why lie? i need a drink

It started with Ben Miller. I gave a cardboard sign guy a buck, and Ben berated me, saying that these guys make more than we do, and probably live in nicer places. He even suggested that this guy might have driven to work, parking his car around the corner, no doubt with back up cardboard signs in the trunk.

I doubted this. Sure, maybe there is an eccentric or two out there who has money but signs it anyway, but they’d have to be the exception. Right? So, I decided to see how much money I could make on the freeway off-ramps of my town. Then I got competitive. I was gonna be the best card board sign guy ever.

So I got together some costumes, and made arrangements with my friend who owns a costume shop to borrow more, and I went onto the freeway off-ramp with my own unique angle.

As I stood out there, dressed as a banana, folks laughed, pointed, and most amazing, tried to pretend they didn’t see me. They also gave me money! Real cash money, for standing on an off-ramp in a silly costume holding a sign!

I also decided I’d utilize the latest panhandling technologies. I started my own panhandling website, WhyLieINeedADrink.blogspot.com. Panhandling websites are nothing new (Wired) but so far, I’m the only guy I’ve found who is panhandling online and off.

So far I’ve only worked the off-ramps for an hour at a time. It’s hot and more than a little humiliating. It’s less embarrassing when I’m costumed as people can clearly see I’m clowning, but I forced myself to do some time as a regular cardboard sign guy for market research. I will do some 8 hour days before this experiment is done. Here’s the results of my panhandling so far.

• Banana Costume. “Hey I’m a Banana Give Me Money. God Bless” $11.50 an hour. Stopped after an hour by cop. Midtown Sacramento.
• Uncle Sam Costume on 3rd of July. Sign consisted of Uncle Sam poster altered to read “I Want You to give me a dollar. God Bless.” 14.50 an hour. Midtown Sacramento.
• No Costume. Funny signs suggested by visitors to my website “Last cardboard sign guy for 2 miles. God Bless.” “Exact Change Only. God Bless.” and “The End is Here—> (Arrow points to edge of sign) God Bless!” $6.50 and hour. Midtown Sacramento.
• No costume, no funny sign. “Please Help. God Bless.” later I added “H.S. Dropout” to the bottom of the sign.” “$8.50 an hour. Two bus passes. One chocolate covered granola bar, melted.” Watt/I-80, Citrus Heights (or some suburb of Sacramento. They all look alike to me.)

All but one of my hours spent on the off-ramps has brought me more than minimum wage. More than many Americans are making working hard at their jobs, and the costumed days brought me more than I make at my day job. I am seriously considering going full time. I make more at this as I gain experience and learn the tricks. Walk up the off-ramps so that your right next to each car. Make eye contact. Say hello to folks. ALWAYS have a “God Bless” on your sign, but never specify which god. And, most important of all, WEAR SUNSCREEN.

My internet panhandling has brought me $30.00 in less than a month in ad revenue from the Google ads on my website and $13.33 in pay pal donations so far. Well, I’m all typed out and I could really use some mango iced tea from Pete’s. Can you maybe spare a couple bucks? God Bless.