Considering how focused most guys are on it, it is surprising that there are not a lot more songs about the penis. Think about it. Men have written lyrics about love; ballads about beauty�why not songs about schlongs?
Because no matter what they say about love, poetry and the theater, there are few things that a man is more attached to�both literally and figuratively�than his penis.
So without further ado, Badmouth proudly presents: The Top Five Songs About Penises.
(lyrics)
Quote: “Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.”
We start with Detachable Penis by King Missile, who briefly rode their ode to removable genitalia all the way to the top in 1993. Well maybe not to the top, per se, but they definitely rode Detachable Penis somewhere.
Fusing avant gard jazz beats with spoken-word lyrics, Detachable Penis is actually a pretty cool song. But on the down side, they come right out and say the word �penis� in the title. That shows a general lack of willie-inspired creativity.
Baloney Pony Trivia: Detachable Penis was featured in an early episode of Beavis and Butthead.
(lyrics)
Quote: “Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong?”
As this is a Monty Python song, it can generally be assumed that it is the work of Python alum Eric Idle who sang The Penis Song in an episode of Flying Circus.
Like many of Idle’s songs, it is both supremely silly and irresistibly catchy. But the catchiness may work against it in this case, as you don�t want to get caught walking down the street singing about your �one-eyed trouser snake� as a general rule of thumb.
I have no idea how Noel Coward fits into the song. Being an American, I have very little idea who Noel Coward is. But I strongly feel he belongs in the title at any rate.
Baloney Pony Trivia: The Monty Python movie The Life of Brian was banned in Scotland for obscenity. One of the running gags in the movie is that Pontius Pilate has a gay lover named “Biggus Dickus.”
(lyrics)
Quote: “My ding a ling, my ding a ling,
I want you to play with my ding a ling.”
Released in 1955, Chuck Berry�s Maybelline is widely credited as the first complete rock �n roll record. Berry followed Maybelline with other hits, including Johnny B. Goode, Roll Over Beethoven, Rock and Roll Music and more. But despite all the success, this rock pioneer never had a record achieve number one status.
My Ding-a-Ling was a New Orleans novelty tune that Berry had been signing for years. It was finally included on a live album that Berry recorded in 1970 and was released as a single later that year. 15 years after Maybelline, Berry finally had a number one hit thanks to the little man downstairs.
Baloney Pony Trivia: Berry was convicted of secretly videotaping women in the bathroom of his restaurant in Wentzville, Mo. No word on whether he asked them to play with his ding-a-ling.
(lyrics)
Quote: “There’s a monster in my pants
And it does a nasty dance
When it moves in and out
Everybody starts to shout”
Monster is one of my favorite songs period, which puts it high on the list of penis-related pop songs, indeed. Monster was a modest hit for singer Fred Schneider, who is one-third of the vocal trio known as the B-52s.
It was the no. 1 track on Schneider’s 1984 solo effort, Fred Schneider & The Shake Society. Filled with hypnotic beats, campy humor and double entendres, Monster was too hot for the bland Top 40 landscape of the ’80s, so it received little airplay.
Baloney Pony Trivia: Although Fred appears to be making the ladies quite happy with the monster in his pants in the song, there is a rumor that he is in fact, well…GAY.
(lyrics)
Quote: “I want to be your sledgehammer
why don’t you call my name
you’d better call the sledgehammer”
Peter Gabriel is widely recognized as one of the premiere voices in art rock. He is perhaps even better known as a video pioneer. Strangely, he is virtually unknown as the writer and performer of the greatest ode to male genitalia ever created: Sledgehammer.
I�ve been a fan of Gabriel’s work ever since the Shock the Monkey days, but it wasn’t until several years after the fact that I realized that Gabriel’s biggest hit was about his big hitter.
I soon realized that recognizing Sledgehammer as a song about a penis at all put me ahead of the curve. Almost no one buys my theory about the song until they actually read the lyrics. At that point it’s so obvious that you’re left wondering how you failed to notice it before.
The subtle hints were there even if you ignored the lyrics. The video starts out showing sperm flowing under a microscope. And the guy’s name is Peter for God’s sake. How much more obvious can you get?
Baloney Pony Trivia: Peter�s song Kiss the Frog is also a tribute to his male member as well as an exhortation for a woman to kiss it. That�s two songs about his penis that made the top forty. The man is a genius.
March 9th, 2004 at 9:43 pm
I love my penis!
March 10th, 2004 at 8:21 pm
Little Feat - Rocket in my Pocket. Another rock n roll great.
March 11th, 2004 at 12:57 am
How about the top five songs about female genitals? Not being a pop trivia god like you, I can’t actually think of any or actually contribute to the discussion, of course. I immediately thought of (and immediately disqualified) “I Touch Myself” as being close-but-no-cigar. Ahem. Help us out, John…just as soon as you’re done accepting that 2004 Dottie.
March 11th, 2004 at 1:07 am
Female Genitalia? I thought about that as I made this list.
I came up with “Sugar Walls” by Sheila E. Pretty sure Prince wrote it, but it’s definitely about female genitalia.
March 11th, 2004 at 4:32 am
How about “Stuffin Martha’s Muffin” by Mojo Nixon, which pays tribute to Martha Quinn of original veejay fame on MTV. Too bad that Mojo is calling it quits this month, according to his website ….http://www.mojonixon.com/
March 11th, 2004 at 7:34 pm
I need more convincing about “Sledgehammer.” I rmember the video as being very “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” … oh wait, maybe I just convinced myself.
There was a dance tune out a while ago that didn’t come up with any great names for female genitals, but the chorus was “you gotta lick it before we kick it,” I believe. Does that count?
March 12th, 2004 at 6:09 pm
What about “Pink Thing” by XTC?
March 13th, 2004 at 12:47 am
I didn’t know “Pink Thing,” although I like XTC. Looked up the lyrics.
Yep. It’s a penis song.
March 13th, 2004 at 5:30 am
http://www.uffish.com/archives/007838.html
the top five songs about penises…
March 14th, 2004 at 7:40 am
You guys forgot “Best Friend” by Jellyfish!
March 15th, 2004 at 10:07 am
XTC’s “Pink Thing” is supposed to be about the singers newborn baby, but I think it’s a better penis song.
March 16th, 2004 at 4:03 am
Da Vinci’s Notebook kind of tipped the scales when they titled a song “Enormous Penis” - but it is the most INFURIATINGLY catchy barbershop-quartet ragtime song about d*ck size and self-confidence that I’ve ever heard. Look up an mp3 of it sometime and you see what I mean; by the way, some province in Canada recently had to officially declare it not obscene IN COURT - some ‘upstanding citizen’ with a stick up his ass filed a litigation against a radio station that was playing it fairly often…
March 18th, 2004 at 12:54 am
Hello? What about ‘Big Ten Inch’?
March 18th, 2004 at 4:26 am
My Girl’s Pussy…an oldie…older than that.
Check out for further penis songs Daveys Dinghie, and “firing the Surgeon general” was written around the time the Surgeon General (was it Coop?) got fired for stating publicly that masturbation is healthy…There’s also a great reggae tune about female genitalia…they play it at Belizian parties.
March 18th, 2004 at 3:59 pm
Singing about his goolies is old hat for Peter Gabriel; the subtext of “Big” is his prodigious willie. “Look at my circumstance/And the bulge in my big, big, big, big, big, big, BIG..”
March 18th, 2004 at 5:45 pm
momus: the penis song. its fab
March 22nd, 2004 at 6:18 pm
Mr. Johnson and the juice crew by Scatterbrain
March 22nd, 2004 at 6:27 pm
There’s always “Pussy” by the Lords of Acid, I mean, yeah it isn’t too much of a metaphoric jump from female genitalia to an actual feline, however the song is funny as hell
March 23rd, 2004 at 1:13 am
Primus’s “Winona’s Big Brown Beaver” is a must-have inclusion on a list of the top 5 songs about female genitalia.
March 24th, 2004 at 4:49 pm
Here’s a fairly new penis song by the Mood Groove, which I swear is just another promotion for pork…”The Other White Meat”, only $0.99…
http://www.moodgroove.com/roadlesspaved.html
March 24th, 2004 at 11:35 pm
Rodney Carrington has a nice one, too: “Dear Penis”. There is some audio at this link:
http://www.rodneycarrington.com/previewtracks.php
“Titties and Beer” is cool, too.
March 27th, 2004 at 9:23 pm
The Secretions, “Boner”
http://www.thesecretions.com
(sacramento,ca - springman records)
MP3 for “Boner”
http://springmanrecords.com/springman/aspx/cat_info.aspx?CatItemID=7
March 28th, 2004 at 1:51 am
Alstarx_ It was Dr. Joyclyn Elders, the Surgeon General you are refering to. I really admired her for challenging the hang ups on masturbating. She was not only our first female SG, but the first African American SG(I believe). On SNL, they did a skit on Weekend Update where an actress portrayed Dr. Elders. “Dr. Elders” was very concerned about the fact that American highschoolers were only masturbating on the 4th grade level.
But I digress. Didn’t Cyndi Lauper do a song about female masturbation called “We Bop” (or I Bop or She Bop…)
April 2nd, 2004 at 9:28 pm
Surely the Pixies “Gigantic” would make the top ten
April 2nd, 2004 at 9:30 pm
…of course that was sung by a female
April 11th, 2004 at 3:30 am
And then there’s Every Time I Think of You I Touch Myself … not necessarily a penis song, but quite frequently …
April 11th, 2004 at 3:32 am
Over at http://www.whitehouse.org they’ve got “Lick Bush - Beat Dick” thongs for sale … complete with pictures up front … not music … not something I’d want near my genitalia … but there’s no accounting for taste!
May 19th, 2004 at 4:40 am
I can’t believe nobody has mentioned “Wiggle Stick” by the almighty Reverend Horton Heat.
May 19th, 2004 at 7:57 pm
There was a sketch on SNL a while back (Matthew Broderick was the host) where they sang, “Penis penis penis penis penis penis soooong..penis penis penis penis, penis all day long.” I still hum that from time to time!
May 26th, 2004 at 5:34 am
Wanna find great songs about female genatalia listen Lil’ Kim “Tell me what’s on your mind when the tongue is in the pussy?” One of the greatest qoutes ever.
And then there is a song I believe by Jay-Z and some unknown Qoute ” Better get a bus pass before I put this Pussy on your mustache”
July 11th, 2004 at 9:07 am
how about the old Black Oak Arkansas song HOT ROD??? “Baby, I’ve got a hot rawwddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!”
July 21st, 2004 at 7:35 pm
My buddies and I had a tape with a bunch of filthy songs that someone dubbed off of some vinyl records. “The Garden Song” by Filthy Mcnasty was hilarious and there was also a song about a one eyed monster or something it had to do with a guy with a giant dick. It was very funny but I can’t remember much of the lyrics. Does anyone know this one?
August 6th, 2004 at 11:17 am
i need free tshirt for nigeria
August 9th, 2004 at 7:03 pm
my penis is my instrument of mass DISTRACTION.
August 10th, 2004 at 9:59 am
As for genitalia songs. I would recommend Aerosmith’s “Gettin Your Wings”. Its a whole album devoted to the art and science of oral sex.
August 19th, 2004 at 4:32 am
Even I may seem like a prick all I can do is talk about my pretty DICK
September 19th, 2004 at 9:49 pm
“Maynard’s Dick” by Tool. Best hidden bonus track in hidden bonus track history.
September 24th, 2004 at 12:20 am
I don’t see it mentioned yet - Penis Envy by Uncle Bonsai…
http://www.yellowtailrecords.com/lyrics/lyr_ub1.html (you have to scroll a bit to see the lyrics, but it’s quite worth it)
October 25th, 2004 at 7:02 am
Here’s one for the list:
“I’ll be harder than your husband I’ll be harder than your man, I’ll hit you with my 20-inch…..” - Rednex
December 9th, 2004 at 3:00 pm
Hey! What about “Little Red Rooster” by Howlin’ Wolf and just about every other blues guy? Or “G-Spot Tornado” by Zappa?
December 17th, 2004 at 8:28 pm
I hafta include “Feed the Monkey” by Infectious Grooves
February 9th, 2005 at 4:21 am
Sledgehammer? John Marcotte, you are twisted! Here’s 5 you need to check.
Pound of Flesh - the Tubes
Turning Japanese - the Vapors
Stick IT Out - Zappa
the Lemon Song - Led Zeppelin
Whip IT - DEVO
February 15th, 2005 at 5:21 pm
I’m checking out this list because I’m throwing a Year Of The Cock party, (2005!,) and I’m putting together a soundtrack. I’ll add:
Tubesteak Boogie- ZZ Top
Piss Bottle Man- Mike Watt
Cody Chesnutt- The Seed, and almost all of his songs have dick refrences. (”I’ve got a hard dick with a curve, and that’s all you deserve; better go run out and tell your momma and her friends”)
February 18th, 2005 at 11:37 pm
You’ll have to take King Missile’s Detatchable Penis off your list….It’s a song about mobile phones (written just as their popularity exploded).
March 9th, 2005 at 5:43 am
#1 should be “Muscle of Love” by Alice Cooper
June 24th, 2005 at 5:28 pm
How could you forget Iggy POP with “Cock In My Pocket” best cockrock song EVER!
June 30th, 2005 at 7:59 pm
For the Women: Red Hot Chili Pepper’s “Super Secret Hidden Song” aka “Party on your Pussy”…
July 8th, 2005 at 10:12 pm
Penis song
“Don’t go home with your’ hard-on” leanord cohen
Vag song
practically any blues song that mentions jelly roll as that was an old expression for a bit of the old muff
August 25th, 2005 at 10:02 am
My fave genitalia song is My Neck, My Back by khia.
October 7th, 2005 at 10:24 am
John Hiatt’s “Little Head”
“I’m just so easily led when the Little Head does the thinkin’”
November 1st, 2005 at 10:23 am
The top five songs about penises
Considering how focused most guys are on it, it is surprising that there are not a lot more songs about the penis. Think about it. Men have written lyrics about love; ballads about beauty—why not songs about schlongs?
Because no matter what they sa…
November 29th, 2005 at 8:05 am
Another very subtle hint about “Sledgehammer” in the video is the part with the claymation transitions (with the clay Peter Gabriel)… with the red wall that has clay sperm all over it. Watch it closely and you’ll see.
December 10th, 2005 at 2:15 pm
what about short dick man
December 27th, 2005 at 10:31 am
air conditioners
January 16th, 2006 at 2:28 am
I’m not sure how much it counts… Has masturbation and some of the most obvious references ever, but seeing as its more about masterbation than the cock, I’m not sure if Killer Pussy’s “Pocket Pool” counts or not… Catchy, though.
March 19th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
Frank Zappa:
Why Does it Hurt When I Pee?
Shove it Right in
I Promise Not to Come in Your Mouth
Dong Working for Youda
Camarillo Brillo
Penis Dimensions
ZZ Top:
Tube Snake Boogie
Pearl Necklace
Ron Geesin and Roger Waters:
More than Seven Dwarves in Penis Land
The Who:
Pictures of Lilly
Mary-Ann with the Shaky Hands
How Can You Do it Alone (especially the live version on the Face Dances remaster; “You unzip your fly, then you shut your eye.”
Mojo Nixon:
She Put a Louisana Lip Lock on my Love Pork Chop
Nirvana:
Moist Vagina
Bloodhound Gang:
The Bad Touch
Vagina
Peter Gabriel’s sex lyrics go all the way back to his days with Genesis. Check out “Counting out Time” on the Lamb Lies Down on Broadway.
September 8th, 2006 at 11:44 pm
umm…how bout a really good song?
Bloodhound Gang: Kiss me where it smells funny
Hahahaha
September 28th, 2006 at 10:19 am
haha.The detachable penis song is the best one EVER;;i love detacthcable penis’s sooo much; that i ACTUALLY HAVE ONE:O
November 21st, 2006 at 3:30 pm
January 10th, 2007 at 6:08 am
January 28th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
March 14th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
The two I don’t see on the list are “Dear Penis” by Rodney Carrington and Uncle Banzai’s “If I had a penis.’ Both definitely worth consideration for top 5.
March 25th, 2007 at 10:37 am
May 3rd, 2007 at 4:48 pm
May 11th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
I have not seen “Redneck Friend” by Jackson Browne mentioned.
June 20th, 2007 at 10:41 pm
No Pony the Penis = fail
September 25th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Not necessarily a penis song but Maddona’s “Just like Prayer” is one of the most blatant public descriptions of a blow-job I’ve ever heard. AND SHE COMPARES IT TO PRAYER.
When you call my name its like a little prayer
Im down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know Ill take you there
Just like a prayer
Your voice can take me there
Anyone who doubts it, just think… which is more likely, Madonna praying or Madonna taking a shot to the back of the throat?
October 5th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
“Custard Pie” by Led Zeppelin (I’m pretty sure it’s not about the pie in the oven!)
October 5th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Aerosmith’s Pink. “Pink as the lips on your cherry” is a line I remember-I don’t know if the whole song’s about vaginas.
At the moment, I can’t seem to think of any pecker songs…