Before we get all dirty, let’s offer a moment of praise for one Sly Stallone. Tired of being a bit actor in bit parts, Stallone wrote the script for Rocky. And when the studios engaged in a bidding war for the script, Stallone had the balls to demand that he be cast in the title role, even though MGM offered him $150,000 to let Ryan O’Neal take the role. Rocky went on to win the Best Editing, Best Director and Best Picture Oscars at the Academy Awards in 1976.
And the movie catapulted Stallone into superstardom.
OK. Enough with the nice-nice.
After Rocky, Stallone started his long, drawn-out fall from glory. He made crappy movies, sequels to those crappy movies and sequels to those sequels. Rocky came back, again and again. He was joined by Rambo and dozens of other characters, all drawn with the depth of a petrie dish. Stallone’s attempts at light comedy (Oscar) and legitimate drama (Copland) were abysmal failures. But compared to what I’m going to show you now, they were rousing successes.
Without further ado, I present: The Five Worst Sylvester Stallone Movies.
5. Tango & Cash (1989)
Sly’s Guy: Raymond “Ray” Tango
Plot: Tango & Cash has always held a warm place in my heart as one of the best bad movies that I’ve ever seen. Sly teams up with a slumming Kurt Russell, who turns in his best performance since The Computer Who Wore Tennis Shoes. Stallone plays Ray Tango to Russell’s Gabe Cash.
Tango and Cash, two rising stars in the L.A.P.D., are paired together at the start of the movie. Tango plays it by the book. Cash is a loose cannon. They don’t get along. After they establish this startlingly original premise, the movie lurches along from ridiculous plot point to atrocious acting to overblown action scene.
The script is credited to Randy Fellman, which I assume is a codename for some sort of Pentagon supercomputer programmed with every bad action movie cliche in the book. The fact that this so called “Fellman” also wrote the Eddie Murphy turd-burger Metro only supports my hypothesis.
Low Points:
- The L.A.P.D.’s bulletproof SUV with side-mounted machine cannon.
- Stallone and Russell in full drag, an image that no combination of alcohol and barbiturates can erase from my mind.
Redeeming Moments:
- Teri Hatcher as a stripper.
- The emergence of Stallone’s “smart” glasses.
4. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)
Sly’s Guy: Sgt. Joe Bomowski
Plot: Flashback to the early nineties. Stallone is box-office gold and The Golden Girls rule the small screen. Someone decided that these two great tastes would taste great together and gave birth to the abomination of a film, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!
Stallone plays tough-as-nails Sgt. Joe Bomowski who can take down vicious criminals with ease, but has trouble dealing with his tougher-than-nails 80-lb. mother played by Estelle Getty.
Getty flies out to visit her son, interferes with his love life and becomes the sole witness to a gangland hit. Soon she is riding shotgun with Stallone as he attempts to solve the crime, get the girl and save her life.
Trivia fact: this movie was originally written as a comedy, but the director and cast tried a new spin when they played it as a giant suckfest instead.
Low Point:
- A dream sequence with Stallone fighting crime dressed up in a giant diaper.
Redeeming Moment:
- It’s only 87 minutes long.
3. Over The Top (1987)
Sly’s Guy: Lincoln Hawk
Plot: At some point in his career, movie executives realized that people would see anything with Stallone in it. Anything. (Experts point to 1986′s Cobra as the turning point.) Freed from the constraints of hiring real “screenwriters” to generate a “script,” the producers of Over The Top decided they could make an entire movie about the so-called sport of arm-wrestling.
Stallone plays a trucker named Lincoln Hawk — which sounds more like an affordable mid-priced luxury sedan than an actual, living human being. Judging from Stallone’s acting chops in this movie, watching the sedan would have been more enjoyable.
The movie finds Hawk trying to win custody of his son after his ex-wife’s death. He kidnaps the boy from his wife’s father, a wealthy businessman who selfishly wants to give the kid an education, a roof, food, etc. Hawk on the other hand, drives around in his big rig, repeatedly pumping his right arm, and oiling his pecs in preparation for a big arm-wrestling competition in Las Vegas. What red-blooded boy wouldn’t want a piece of that?
Low Point:
- The dramatic arm-wrestling championship at the end, which involves two beefy men tied together with leather straps flexing and groaning for ten minutes solid.
Redeeming Moment:
- The soundtrack, which includes eighties glam rocker Sammy Hagar, soundtrack savant Kenny Loggins and Sly’s talent-free brother Frank.
2. Rhinestone (1984)
Sly’s Guy: Nick Martinelli
Plot: Sylvester Stallone singing country music.
I’ll repeat it again.
Sylvester Stallone singing country music.
This wasn’t a horror movie. It wasn’t a student film project. This was a major motion picture. A comedy. And it was horrifyingly real.
Rhinestone combined the singing talents of Sylvester Stallone with the acting abilities of Dolly Parton. Who the hell gave this the greenlight? I understand that it can be fun to cast against type, but casting Stallone as a country singer is like casting Arnold Schwarzenegger as a five-year-old schoolgirl named “Suzie.”
Parton plays a country who stuck in a really bad contract. Strangely, it wasn’t the same contract that forced her to make this movie. The sleazy nightclub owner who holds her contract makes her an offer: if she can teach a regular joe of his choosing to sing, she gets out of her contract. If she can’t, she has to sleep with the manager. The manager picks New Jersey taxi driver Nick Martinelli, played by Stallone.
Low Point:
- The first time Stallone “sings.” I’m sure the other times he sang were equally bad, but by that point I had already punctured both my ear-drums with an icepick, and I was in the process of gouging out my eyes with a butter knife to remove the image of Stallone in his sequin and fringe cowboy shirt.
Redeeming Moment:
- Dolly Parton. After starring in the fresh and witty 9 to 5, Parton was mired in the middle of a crap movie slump that she wouldn’t shake until Steel Magnolias in 1989. Still, she has undeniable charisma, and if you have to choose between watching Parton or Stallone, choose Parton.
1. The Party At Kitty And Stud’s (1970)
Sly’s Guy: Stud
Plot: That’s right. The rumors are true. Stallone did porno. He plays a guy named “Stud.” He and his girlfriend Kitty throw wild orgies and engage in every natural and unnatural sex act in the book. Stallone was reportedly paid $200 to make this movie, and it was re-released in 1976 as The Italian Stallion to cash in on Rocky-mania.
Low Point:
- When you picked up the box and said, “Why don’t I rent The Party At Kitty And Stud’s?“
Redeeming Moment:
- You’re watching low-budget, ’70s porn starring Sly Stallone. There is no redeeming moment. Go take a shower, perv.
Tags: bad movies, itallian stallion, over the top, party at kitty and stud's, porn, rhinestone, Stop or my mom will shoot, Sylvester Stallone, Tango & Cash
True story…
My dad worked for a large construction equipment maker (whose products are yellow). As a marketing manager he would occasionally be approached by a Hollywood types who wanted to do product placement.
In the mid-80s, he met with one Hollywood flunky. He pitched my dad on a new Stallone movie: Stallone was a trucker and trying to arm wrestle his way to winning back his son. At one point in the movie, Stallone would be at a truck stop and lift the hood of his rig to show off his neato truck engine (enter product placement here.)
My dad passed. God bless him. Probably saved the company.
your an idiot. What have you accomplished in your life?? Ok…you put up a site that is worth: NOTHING!
so long M.F…
ari
your all full of shit.im not a stallone fan but even i know hes been one of the best.for someone who came from nothing to rise to the top is a great acheivment.its easy for you losers to sit back and bag the shit out of someone when you all are probably in your 40′s still living with your parents and have never had a root or even touched a girl.stallone is great,and i dont see any of u dumb fucks doing anything.next you will be picking on steve erwin,god rest his soul.
The Jack ass who wrote this is a mother f*cken loser!!!
Stallone is the worst actor ever…..ok so Steven Segal is the worst ever. But Stallone is right behind him. His porno was real too. Here is a clip from “Party at Kitty and Studs”
http://newsfilter.org/videos/index.php?id=32606
I don’t know what you’re saying, but he’s hot!
I saw the clip of “Party at Kitty and Studs”. Well…he’s talent is obvious. Who cares about Rocky after this?
i think he’s the most hated person in america… But to think that even when so much people hate him, he managed to survive (just like Rocky)… BRILLIANT!!! He’s genuine… far better than many of the new age stars. yeah.. he’s tried something different in his career and has had setbacks coz of that. But that’s not a crime i guess. No matter whatever ways people try to write him off… he’ll always be remembered for that handful of wonderful movies he’s made. Rocky will continue inspiring many more generations…
CHUCK NORRIS ate Sly. Chuck norris is god
I don’t know what all this arguiing is about, but for all you people that say that Sly’s movies all suck could kiss my ass. This guy had nothing to start with. He had to start from scratch. The question you people have to ask yourself is, (How can I succeed in the situation I’m in now.)For all you people out there that saw Rocky 6, just listen to what he said. (It’s not how many times you get knocked down, it’s how quick you can get up”).I would like to see all you people that put him down accomlish what he did. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what you accomplised in the year 2006. Stop judging him or anybody else for that matter and change the things that you don’t like about yourselves.Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourselves this question, If someone ask you in January of 2008 what you acomplished in the year 2007 what are you going to say to them. Exactly what is it that you would like to say to them. I’m just giving everyone of you something to think about. Besides I am a big Rocky fan. I would love to meet Sylvester Stallone in person. Maybe get a chance to workout with him or play a part in a movie with him. I know that I can act. If you happen to see this Sylvester Stallone I would just love to meet you. For everyone of you that reads this, good luck to all of you. I hope that you all accomplish what your heart desires. If any of you don’t think anything is possible just ask God to help you and guide you on your way.
SLY is”nt so bad. he earned name in RAMBO n ROCKY.
stallones films are mint you must be sick to think they are crap!!!!
I think Sylvester Stallon has done brilliant films and by far the best ones are the Rocky series and I think he is a good actor. He also is gorgous and has by far got the best body i have seen in a long time. xxxxx
Sylvester Stallon is far the best actor on this earth all his films are all the best, there is no other actor as good as stallon. HE’S THE BEST I LOVE HIM h’s number 1 xxxx
Stop beefing Sly, he is hot as F, I have loved him since a child & would still marry him now.
If you don’t lke him don’t watch him!
I don’t wanna to fall in lo-hovee I just wanna fall in bed…..
Rhinestone: Sly looks for a ride to town and up pulls a “strange” southerner..”Get innn..” hahahhaha
Best part in Cobra : “Your the disease…Im the cure”..
Avenging Angelo: “Brut?”
If u notice, he has some absolute beautifully sculpted feet in Copland
The Specialist: “There’s nothing wrong with being sentimental”
Assassins: Banderas-”Fack youu”
Rocky 4:Paulie (one of my fave characters) “aah!…ahh!…goddamn!” hehehe (falling in the snow)
Well, well,well,opinions are like assholes, everyones got one and they’re all different. So here’s mine. Personally, I like all the movies he made because I’m a fan. But, whether or not he is a good or bad actor is probably irrelevant to him. Mostly, actors of every caliber have one thing in common…..They’re in it for the money. Keeping that in mind, Sly is very accompolished in that area. So, KUDOS to him and everyone else that makes fortunes pretending to be someone else for us, the masses.
as soon as i found out about this porno thing i needed to see it….well done sly(Y)
To all you peeps on here slagging of stallone, even though he might have had a couple of so called flops here and there he still has more than any of yous will ever have, to me a great actor a good person and if he ever reads this well, Thanks for the Movies SLY.
murrkei(at)gmail.com