After dinner this past Sunday night, I went with Eli and my girlfriend down to the multiplex to see a movie, as is our custom. We settled on this one because it was the only one showing after ten. Seriously. Twenty-two damn screens and not one movie to choose from that didn’t have “SUCKFEST” stencilled on the can. Wait a minute, SUCKFEST was sold out. We saw New York Minute instead.
Based on what we endured in the ninety-one minutes to follow, I can say with certainty that the Olsen twins are rapidly depleting their non-porn options. Their $6 million opening week could have been a tip, too. Now, on to the heart of the matter.
Emily Cox (writer) — Although you probably deserve the Guiness prize for the largest collection of antiquated gags found in one script, you must be punished for the damage you have done. I know it’s your first offence, having never written anything more profound than “Aerosmith Rules” in the margin of a Cosmo magazine, but for penning this disasterpiece you shall be exiled from Hollywood forever. You’ll have to buy your rocks somewhere else from now on.
Dennie Gordon (director) — As director of sixteen count ‘em cancelled or never picked-up TV shows, you’ve certainly made progress over the years.
Although only your second feature film (first was Joe Dirt,) you have already perfected the suck. You made Eugene Levy unfunny, and for that I will never forgive you.
Andy Richter (actor) — Your portrayal of a mobster raised by Chinese-Americans makes me want to dig up the guy who played Hop Sing and give him a fucking Oscar. Did you even read the script before you took the job? You’re chasing some girls to get back a “computer chip” that contains millions of dollars worth of PIRATED MUSIC AND MOVIES? What was on the chip, kazaa lite? Oh wait, that’s not your fault. Hand that up two paragraphs to Emily, would you?
Jack Osbourne (recovering drug addict) — It’s been clear for some time now that the best part of you became a stain on the upholstery of a tour bus somewhere. Go take some pills. Take A LOT of pills.
The Olsen Twins (almost legal) — What were you thinking? Your fans are girls twelve and under, not enough to pay off the reported $50 million budget of this shit. You’re big in the straight-to-video scene, but this one’s not gonna be under anyone’s tree this x-mas, I guarantee. Speaking of straight-to-video scenes, I’ll see you in Vegas
Eugene Levy (better than this) — I’m very disappointed in you. How dare you try to legitimize this drivel with a decent (but not characteristically good) performance? You’ve hereby been suspended from the next two Christopher Guest films.
Russ Cierle (innocent bystander) — Make sure the theater is completely empty before you do your Tom Servo impression. Somewhere there’s a father explaining to his little girl what the bald guy up front meant when he asked “Are they gonna slap clams or what?” or when they were leaving Big Shirl’s House of Bling and Big Shirl said “You sisters have some sister in you!” and the bald guy said “yeah about three fingers.”
They shouldn’t have been hiding behind the stairs, evesdropping. But you
wanna know what’s really creepy?
She laughed.
Hard.
May 27th, 2004 at 4:43 am
Hey, the director did some episodes of “Sports Night.” That show rocks.
And Eugene Levy has been in lots of bad movies–maybe not this bad–but bad none the less.
May 27th, 2004 at 6:36 pm
I liked Sports Night, until they added a laugh track. I can’t stand that.
May 27th, 2004 at 9:25 pm
You got it backwards. The network forced them to have a laugh track and they eventually got rid of it.
Later episodes = no laugh track.
May 27th, 2004 at 11:14 pm
No, I very clearly remember the pilot and first two episodes having no laugh track. The third episode did, and I stopped watching. Maybe they got rid of it?
May 28th, 2004 at 5:05 am
Here’s an article on the subject: http://www.postgazette.com/magazine/19980922sports5.asp
Networked forced them to have one. They tried to omit it whenever possible.
June 2nd, 2004 at 10:38 pm
Now that it’s established everyone who had anything to do with the movie sucks or made a mistake by doing so, how about a review of the film? Why does it suck?
June 2nd, 2004 at 11:45 pm
What did you expect, a full deconstruction? You’ve seen this movie before– we all have. I bet the original script was a spiral notebook with excerpts from better films scotch taped on its pages. The character development is either ham-handed or nonexistant. Some character traits are drilled over and over again, like Jane’s nerdishness (cliche catalog personality #5694,) while some characters have no traits at all (like Jane’s romantic interest, such an unmemorable character that he’s billed as “Jim, the bike messenger” in case you forget who he was.)
Furthermore, the dialogue is stale and obvious with quite a few lines that do little more than prevent silence. The characters will say something like “We have to go!” in case you are blind or didn’t understand why they were getting it the car and driving away.
This film has no redeeming virtues. This film lacks a single good performance. This film has not one line worth stealing. This film could be construed as racist, since the only minorities portrayed were the servile blacks of Big Shirl’s House of Bling. This film is the most mockable thing to come on the silver screen since Pee-Wee Herman. This film sucks.
June 3rd, 2004 at 7:05 am
I think this piece works on more of a “rant” level than an actual review. I mean, what is there to say about this movie, really? It sucks. We know that going in.
A regular movie review would have been boring and sad for this film. A rant is much better.
June 8th, 2004 at 6:03 pm
Rants are cool, but so was Pee-Wee. Leave the funny-looking kid out of this one.
July 9th, 2004 at 1:01 am
I agree, Pee-Wee is cool. Paul Reubens on the other hand…
July 9th, 2004 at 1:02 am
Thanks for the advice. I’ll be sure to avoid it.
July 9th, 2004 at 1:07 am
So, you decide: Is the twin in for crack or anorexia?
July 13th, 2004 at 6:11 pm
With the “trailer park chic” look she’s been cultivating, I gotta call this one for meth.
August 12th, 2004 at 6:08 am
You guys need to stop making fun of mary-kate and ashley because they really are talented girls i have watched alot of their movies and they are really good.
August 12th, 2004 at 6:21 pm
That’s precious. What grade are you in, sweetie?
March 24th, 2005 at 8:45 pm
It sounds like a lot of people are trying to critic a fun movie as if it was a serious flick.
get REAL!
This is just another teen adventure movie, hardly highbrow. Enjoy it for what it is…or not.
In a way, this kind of movie is a test of your own sense of humor. If you watched it and came out with a smile, you are a happy kind of person or you know what good drugs are. If you watched it halfway, then had nothing more to say than “IT SUCKS”, then you need some good drugs…LOL!
Based on some reviews I’ve seen of NYM, it appears to me that these selfsame people are gonna be all over Revenge of the Sith because the science ain’t right. Wake up and smell the coca-cola people, some things are just meant to be for fun!
Maybe Bush Lite’s Fox Network Mind Control Device is working a little too well…
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