moshood: the return

Longtime badmouth readers will of course remember our good friend Moshood. A few months ago, I sent Moshood a little note to make sure he was OK.

It seems the South African government had been arresting people for participating in the “Nigerian Banking Scam.” Although I couldn’t believe that my friend Moshood would be involved in such activities, I thought I’d better check in with him. Imagine my relief a few months later when he responded out of the blue.

For those of you who are just joining us, I encourage you to read our “Moshood primer,” moshood and me, available at the bottom of this story. In fact, even if you already read it, read it again. I had to refresh myself to remember exactly what to say to Moshood. The poor guy’s been through a lot.

Moshood’s Letter

Date: Sat, 31 Aug 2002 16:18:37 +0100 (BST)
From: “moshood abacha”
Subject: Urgent response needed.
To: “John Q. Public”

Dear John,

Top of the day to you and your family. How is work,hope all is well?

I am very happy to hear from you, I have been worried sending you mails without your response, what was the problem?

About the transaction, I am still trying to conclude it,but I will still be needing your help, please let me know if you are still in the position to help me complete this transaction. I do not want to waste too much of your time, your urgent response is highly needed. Thank you for replying my mails.

Waiting for your response. God bless.

best regards,

Moshood Abacha.

For the Family.

Thank God I responded when I did! I was afraid Moshood had found someone else to handle the $60 million he needs moved out of the country.

Moshood’s Letter

Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 15:04:26 +0100 (BST)
From: “moshood abacha”
Subject: Waiting to hear from you.
To: “John Q. Public”

Dear John Public,

Top of the day to you My Friend,How is your family? I have been out of the country,trying to look for means
to conclude this transaction.Hope your family is safe and in good health?

Please Mr John Public,I want to know if you are still in the position to help me conclude this transaction,because since the last time I contacted you,I have tried to put things in place,so If I hear from you,first I will know you are okay and in good health to finalise this transaction.I pray you see this mail,this is the last stage.

I will be waiting for your urgent and positive response.God Bless You.

Your Friend,

Moshood Abacha for the family.

You see? I forget to talk to Moshood for a few months and he forgets my name! Itis obviously imperative that I respond soon, or I might lose out on my untold millions.

John’s Letter

Date: Fri, 18 Oct 2002 16:06:54 -0700 (PDT)
From: “John Q. Public”
Subject: Re: waiting to hear from you!!!
To: “moshood abacha”

Moshood,

How are you, my friend? I am sorry for this long period of non-communication. On our way back from Nepal, Pepe and I were intercepted by FBI agents. It seems that Pepe fit the profile of an al Queda terrorist. I was taken to the U.S. embassy in Mexico City for questioning, while Pepe, a Philippino national, was taken to “Camp X-Ray” in Cuba.

I was released almost immediately, but it took me months to get Pepe freed. He was treated quite humanely, and allowed to participate in daily prayers to Mecca. (This may have meant more to him if he wasn’t Catholic.)

I was somewhat upset that Pepe was imprisoned without any cause, but I realized that as Americans, we have to be able to arrest people and detain them without cause if we want to protect our freedom.

At any rate, I was able to free Pepe after I attended a late night viewing of “Beaches” with Attorney General John Ashcroft. Evidently, he is in a much better mood to listen to international appeals after a dish of ice cream and a good cry.

Now that Pepe and I are back on the job, we are preparing to fly to Nicaragua to hunt for wild Chinchillas. (Kathie Lee uses them in her new all-natural panty liners.)

Pepe sends his love, and says that as soon as he recovers from his “interview” with the CIA, he will send a pint of hand-squeezed mango oil your way.

My mother sends her best to Her Excellency, your mother Maryam. She asked me to deliver a recipe to your family.

---

Peanut-Butter BallsIngredients:
1 cup peanut butter
1 cup sugar
1 egg

Directions:
Mix ingredients in a bowl, then roll into balls, place on cookie sheet, flatten with bottom of glass, and use fork to make design on top of cookies. Bake in pre-heated oven at 350 (on ungreased cookie sheet) for 10 minutes. Let cool and enjoy.

---

I hope your family likes the recipe. Our family has enjoyed popping balls in our mouths for generations.I spoke with Kathie Lee of your plight. She was most attentive. She actually met your father once in 1996, while attending a fact-finding mission. She was interested in the oil reserves in Ogoniland. (The entire line of Kathie Lee’s Bake-On Makeup© is petroleum based, and she was concerned that her Iranian supply was running dry.) I believe in the end she invested heavily in Venezuela, but I’d have to check the records to be sure.

Kathie Lee is willing to help, although she is leaving the details to me. One small thing remains. Mrs. Gifford refuses to do business with people unless she has made a family connection. Once you become a part of the Kathie Lee “family” you are always a part of the Kathie Lee family–no matter how hard you try to escape. (Just ask Frank! Ha, ha!)

I am including a photo of Kathie Lee, her husband Frank and her two children Cody and Cassidy. I would be most appreciative if you could return a similar photo of your family for me to forward to Mrs. Gifford. Her assistance in this endeavor would be most helpful.

John Isling
Chief Purchaser
Kathie Lee Gifford Enterprises

Hopefully, this has “righted the ship,” and Moshood and I will be back on track to make our millions. I eagerly await his reponse and will share my good fortune with you, the American public, when he responds.

God Bless.

more moshood

moshood and me
moshood 2: electric bugaloo
move over moshood
moshood arrested?
moshood: the return
a very moshood thanksgiving
moshood the magnificent