I don’t get much mail here. But from the bits and pieces that I do receive, one thing is clear: people love Moshood. So by popular demand, I am revisiting our Nigerian friend, who, frankly, I had been ignoring. As if the will of the people isn’t enough, there is also the lure of the untold millions that Moshood will give me for helping him loot the Nigerian treasury.
Moshood’s Letter
Date: Sat, 3 Nov 2001 06:58:12 +0000 (GMT)
From: “moshood abacha”
Subject: The Process.
To: “John Q. Public”
John Isling,
Thank you for your response to my email and I thank Almighty Allah for letting you being concern about our present situation. We are happy you have shown a sign of concern by your Willingness to assist us. I will explain everything to you in proper details so that you may have a better understanding of the whole transaction. May Allah bless you and the rest of your family. we need you to keep this absolutely confidential meaning you should not even tell your family till the successful completion of this transaction.
Your mail was read to mother (Her Excellency Mrs. Maryam .A) and she advise on the following that first it is better if you come down and collect the consignment yourself, because sending commandos will arouse a lot of eyebrows.
The money is being kept in two boxes in a secuirty company in ghana -accra, the two things i need you to do is to come and open a foreign account in ghana in your name and also collect the consignment from the secuirty company. then once deposited in the bank you can ask the bank to make a transfer to cameroon.
I am sorry to hear about your father. talking by email is fine as long as you keep it confidentail and secure. The 10% is fine, but mother wanted to give you 20% since you too will be doing a lot of work.
yours truly,
moshood.
Wow! That Moshood is one shrewd negotiator. Without any work on my part, he decided to give me an additional $6 million. He didn’t seem to like my commando idea though. Darn, I thought I had a winner there. Since he gave me an additional $6 million for doing nothing, I decided to see if he would give me even more if I did nothing longer.
Moshood’s Letter
Date: Mon, 5 Nov 2001 11:59:18 +0000 (GMT)
From: “moshood abacha”
Subject: Waiting to hear from you.
To: “John Q. Public”
Dear John,
How are you today, I am still waiting to hear from you. What is your decision? waiting for your urgent response, Thank you.
best regards,
Moshood.
Oops! Another miscalculation on my part. Moshood needs daily affirmation to keep him on the right path. My lack of response damaged his fragile ego. Time to make things right again.
John’s Letter
Moshood,
I am soooo sorry to have kept you waiting like this. We had a bit of excitement on our expedition over the past week. Dibesh, one of our coolies, spotted what looked like one of the fabled Yeti at the base of Putha Hiunchuli, the seventh highest mountain in Nepal.
Now you must understand that Kathie Lee has been after a Yeti for what seems like ages. Yeti hide is reputed to be among the softest in the world ? perfect for Kathie Lee’s new line of “Leather & Lace” Tube Tops. On top of that, Yeti meat is fabled to be a powerful aphrodisiac. (Kathie Lee’s husband Frank has a little “trouble downstairs,” if you know what I mean.) If I were able to bring her a Yeti, the reward would have been in the millions. So we sidetracked and spent a few days tracking in the Nepalese highlands.
If there were any Yeti up there, we couldn’t find them. So after three days of hunting, we finally gave up and continued our trip. Even though we didn’t find a Yeti, Dibesh had the best of intentions, so he was only lightly caned.
An amusing side note: once at a San Francisco bath-house, Kathie Lee thought she spotted a Yeti, but it turned out it was only popular American comedian Robin Williams. An honest mistake.
I am glad we find your mother in good health. My mother is also well, (although you didn’t ask). I remember she used to make these delicious cookies when I was a child. Does your mother bake? Perhaps they could exchange recipes. I like anything with coconut in it, if her Excellency takes requests.
But I’ve drifted far from the point here. I’m not sure what I can do to help you right now. We still have two weeks in Nepal, and then I need to report immediately to Kathie Lee’s HQ in the U.S. A trip to Ghana is not in the cards in the immediate future.
You were dead right about the commandos, though. I don’t know what I was thinking. It must be the thin air up here. I’ve been feeling a little loopy. Yesterday, I spent six hours teaching Dibresh how to speak Portuguese, then I realized: I don’t even know how to speak Portuguese! Weird huh?
Don’t worry about me telling my family. My mother is the only one left, and she is so wrapped up in her adult video production business, I don’t think I could pry her away with a crowbar.
I’m not sure where to go from here. Is there any other way I could be of assistance outside of a trip to Ghana? I have considerable financial resources at my disposal, yet I feel powerless to help you out. I must consult with Pepe. He always knows how to cheer me up, whether it is with a funny joke, or a hot mango oil rubdown.
Respectfully,
John Isling, B.S.
Chief Purchaser
Kathie Lee Gifford Enterprises
Once again I find myself on the path to riches with Moshood. And my cut of the take has doubled to $12 million. Truly Allah has blessed this enterprise.
I’ll keep you posted.
God bless.
more moshood
moshood and me
moshood 2: electric bugaloo
move over moshood
moshood arrested?
moshood: the return
a very moshood thanksgiving
moshood the magnificent
May 4th, 2003 at 3:20 pm
lol! Now that’s comedy.
___
but tell me one thing, are you making this up? Com’on we all know you wrote that letter. Tell the truth.
May 4th, 2003 at 3:21 pm
You’re killin’ me, as usual! I had no idea about Kathie Lee’s fetish with the Yeti.
I heard a rumor that Regis will be the spokesman and model for the new line of “Leather & Lace” tube tops. Any truth to that rumor?
May 4th, 2003 at 3:22 pm
The threadbare condition of your tapestry of lies is quite apparent to all but the most ignorant of us, even this “Moshood” of yours might be intelligent enough to see through it.
Firstly, your servant “Dibesh” refers to a Yeti, but Dibesh is a name common only to the southern regions of Nepal where they refer to the Yeti as Lobang-al Tenit (literally, “lonely walker”) almost exclusively.
Also, the Yeti’s hide, which is anything but soft, would be totally unsuitable for use as clothing as, in addition it’s coarseness, it is possessed of an odor, likened to that of sulfur, which, by all accounts, is impossible to remove.
Thirdly, not all of the Yeti’s meat is considered an aphrodisiac, only the small bit that can be collected by scraping the skull after scalping.
John, if I can detect the seams of your disguise don’t you think Moshood, or someone close to him can as well? Please, give up this folly before you meet with harm.
A friend.
May 4th, 2003 at 4:23 pm
I didn’t recieve an e-mail but my 2nd. cousin Moshood gave me a call. He said it was urgent so I gave him my account number, my social security number, and my pin number. I didn’t know I had any cousins outside of the U.S. but hey, you learn something new every day.
May 4th, 2003 at 5:19 pm
~wiping tears of laughter from eyes~
The bit about spotting the Yeti at the base of Putha Hiunchuli had me in stitches!
May 4th, 2003 at 5:19 pm
Hehe, very funny stuff. Tell Moshood I said what’s up…
E. A.
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