long, hot, estrada action

The other day, I got a rather strange piece of mail in in inbox.

[Please note: all asterisks are mine. I replaced the word "it" because it offends me.]

Now this is the type of fanmail I dreamt of when I first started this Web site. Not only does the woman read the site, she is so into it, she has concerns for my mental health.

Her concern seems to stem from my post “erik estrada kissed me” on Nov. 5th. I am attempting to raise the profile of my Web site, so I posted messages about my humorous little encounter with Erik Estrada to several “CHiPs” fan sites to try to get new visitors to badmouth.

But I was a little puzzled by what kind of “sick sh**” I might have engaged in. I didn’t remember writing about anything too lascivious. And why in the world would Erik Estrada want to “handle my kind legally?” I went back and reread the article to try and get to the bottom of things. After all, Kelly’s best friend’s dog peed on the lawn of a guy who went to school with Erik’s old barber, or something like that.

I read the article again. Nope. Nothing bad about Erik in there at all. In fact, I went out of my way to point out that although I had been told he could be an ass, he seemed like a really nice guy to me. I even plugged his new show on Cartoon Network.

So where did all this bitterness and animosity come from? I got one word for you: jealousy.

That’s right. Kelly is jealous that Erik Estrada took me in his sinewy Latino arms and gave me a big smooch on the cheek. She can’t stand the fact that I was given his home phone number and squandered it without even trying to get to second base. The fact that Estrada kept a memento of our little meeting and trots it out on national television must really burn her.

I tried to be a nice guy to Kelly. I gave her an out. I wrote her a very patient letter explaining that, perhaps, if she read my story, she would realize that I didn’t say anything bad about Ponch. No reply. My guess is she sent me a nasty, hateful e-mail chock full-o-curse-words, and she didn’t even bother to read the article. That makes her fair game in my book.

I learned a few valuable lessons from this experience:

1. There are a lot of psychos out there on the Internet. (Okay, I knew that one.)
2. People that can’t spell “counseling” correctly are probably not good judges of who actually needs counseling.
3. Using the word “sick” three times in two sentences is a good sign the person might be a little sick themselves.

I guess the most valuable lesson I got out of all this is that I learned how my massive sex appeal to aging television icons can be quite threatening to some people. I guess I won’t post those hot-tub photos of me with Cooter from The Dukes of Hazzard After all.

God bless.