with help from John Marcotte
It all started—as you would expect—when we were drunk. Somehow my cousin Greg and I got on the topic of eating and we got into a little argument about who could eat more. I told him that I was going to go to In-N-Out and eat a 10×10, 10 beef patties, 10 slices of cheese. The strange thing was, it still sounded like a good idea to me when I sobered up.
Greg and I are the same height (6’2”), weight (200), and age (20), so all things considered, it was a fair contest.
I picked up a 10×10 on the way down to Santa Barbara with my best friend Miles. We stopped at the Salinas In-N-Out. I easily ate the 10×10. Hell, I even managed to scarf down an order of fries and a soda on the side. I called up Greg and let him know the game was on.
I pretty much forgot about the whole thing, until about a month later. I got a phone call from Greg. He started talking trash saying that he did an 11×11—no problem—with fries and a soda. He held the record for about two weeks. Then I was ready for a 12×12—no problem. I called Greg to tell him the news and to talk a little trash. That’s when things started to escalate. Greg decided to eat a 15×15. He figured that would be a gastro-intestinal knock-out punch.
A few months passed by and I pretty much decided that he was all mouth and no stomach. I called him out. He responded that he didn’t have a chance to go to In-N-Out. OK, that’s actually pretty legit. The nearest In-N-Out is more than a half-hour from our school. It was hard for either of us to get to an In-N-Out. That didn’t stop me from talking a little more trash.
A few weeks later Greg still hadn’t topped my 12×12, but I tickets to an A’s game in the City, so I decided to go for the jugular and take Greg out of the game permanently. I would eat a 20×20. I brought my friends Jason and Wendy to act as witnesses, and also because I figured one of them might know CPR. We even left early so that I would have lots of time to slide all that beefy-cheesy goodness down my throat.
On the drive to meet my hamburger destiny, I began to get nervous. A 20×20 is a whole lot of meat, and quite frankly—I was scared. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that nerves are for wusses—like Greg.
“I will have a 20×20 and a soda,” may go down in history as the best thing I’ll ever say in a fast-food establishment. The cashier looked up from her register, to make sure I was serious. I was. With a stunned look on her face, she began to enter the order into the register. Apparently a 20×20 is complicated, because it took a good five minutes and about three employees to get it entered in. By this time everyone that worked there had heard about the order and one by one they came over to look at the freak while I was waiting to pay. I think I’m now a permanent part of In-N-Out lore.
They charged me about $22. I’m pretty sure that they didn’t charge me for a few of the patties. Sure, it may have been a technical snafu from a complicated order. But I choose to believe that they gave me the discount to recognize the greatness of what I was attempting to accomplish. At any rate, they were all on the burger. I counted.
They called my number. I could feel my stomach acid churning as I walked up to pick up the order. I told myself it was just because I was really hungry. Five employees handed me the burger. I’m guessing they all wanted to be a small part of greatness. When they handed me the tray, I got a new theory: it takes five people to carry this thing. It was heavy.
After actually seeing the thing, Jason and Wendy decided that there was no way I could eat it. And even if I could, I probably shouldn’t. I decided that unwarranted optimism was my first line of defense. “Meh. No problem.” I sucked down some Sprite and dug in.
I started with four patties with cheese and the bottom bun. They went down fast. The middle sections were trickier, as there was no bun to grab. But, no guts, no glory—I grabbed another four off the bottom. Cheese oozed between my fingers. I ate them
Five minutes in and eight patties were gone. I was averaging better than a patty per minute. I started on the next 4 patties. At this point the entire staff of In-N-Out dropped the pretense that they cared about the drive-thru window, other customers, etc. and all gathered around my booth to watch me eat. They were all surprised to see how far I had gotten.
One of the cooks finally spoke up and said, “I am so proud that you are eating my burger. The only time we have ever seen one anywhere near that big was a practical joke we did on our friend for his birthday and he only ate seven.” I think he may have been crying. I ate another four. 12 down—eight to go. The staff reluctantly went back to work, leaving a spy. One employee was busy sweeping the same two feet of floor in front of the trash can. There wasn’t any dirt there. But he only had eyes for my burger.
Right about then I started feeling it. I nursed the Sprite for a bit. Then got a refill. It took almost 15 minutes to eat patties 13 through 16. The staff lost interest. Even my friends became skeptical. Jason told me point blank, “You are never going to finish that thing.” I started to believe him.
By this time, I was chewing on rubber. After 16 patties, even delicious In-N-Out makes you want to shoot yourself. Another 20 minutes passed as I struggled with the last four patties. There were only about four or five bites left, but those four or five bites seemed impossible.
It wasn’t that my stomach was ready to burst. It was just the pain of swallowing. Each bite I had to fight down because it was like I forgot how to swallow. My saliva glands mutinied. They wanted no part of the 20×20. I guess that is the body’s reaction when it wants you to stop eating. I felt drained. I hunched over the tray and poured soda and water down my gullet to lubricate the way for the last four patties. It was me or the burger, and damn if I was going to let some USDA Choice Beef get the better of me. I hunched over the tray and poured soda and water down my gullet to lubricate the way for those last four bites.
I finished the bite number four, grabbed a glass of water, threw my keys to Wendy, walked straight to my car and laid down in the back seat. I thought I was dying. Is beef poisoning a disease? It should be.
In all seriousness, this was by far the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life. I was in more pain then when I broke my arm. I passed out in the back of the car, and slept for a good hour and thirty minutes until we got to the ball park. Jason woke me up.
I felt a little better, but I still felt like God had abandoned me and the terrible, satanic beef devil had devoured my soul. Did you know that if you eat enough ground beef, you start to feel like ground beef? At that point I wouldn’t have been surprised if someone told me I looked like ground beef.
We met a few more of my friends in line. Brett took one look at me and said, “You look like shit. Did you finish?” They all began to laugh until Jason said, “Sure did.”
The power of beef brought silence to the masses. No one thought it was possible. They were dumbfounded. Brett actually tried to buy me a jumbo dog during the game. I just shook my head and laughed.
By the end of the game I felt a lot better. So I sent Greg a text message that read, “Consider the 20×20 in the record books, bitch!” It may have been a stupid idea when we were drunk, and stupider yet when we were sober, but that 20×20 is now my claim to fame. The story has traveled far beyond my immediate circle of friends, and I think people look at me differently now. Perhaps with a mixture of pity, admiration and fear.
As a follow up, I bet some of you are wondering how it all came out. Well, it came out the same way it went in, four patties at a time.
Tags: 20x20, burger, eating, fast food, in-n-out, secret menu
We need to ban marriage, that’s what we need to ban! Divorce will destroy the male…and it’s worse than a felony so we need to prevent that by banning marriages! Anyway, those who came up with the one male/one female were perverts in power who liked to be worshipped as god by as many females as posible and those who invented the divorce were lawyers jealous on religious leaders’ bank accounts so
WE NEED TO BAN THE MARRIAGES! It destroy the fabric of a society taught that the female belongs to you, that more than one is wrong, that lawyers are normal and that god hates divorce but loves what goes on between a consenting priest and a child! Come on…
Actually, I think it would be much more effective to ban the Mormon Church from California….
Why don’t people get it- there are MANY religions that view homosexuality as a sin or weakness. Catholics, Calvary Chapel, Baptist- they all gave money but Mormons are easy targets- my neighbor suffered for this and he explained he does not deny gays any rights to property, insurance, partnership etc but a marriage ordained by God is against the Bible. That’s it and he stood up to it in his eyes to please his God- not their God. If it was any Eastern religion we would be tolerant. Easy targets I tell him- just ignorance to religions- eastern ones too.
Why do you not get the idea that marriage is a State issue not the issue of many religions? It is a Civil Act even if conducted in a church or some other religious venue you still need permission from the State not a god; then you must get a license, pay a fee, and usually get a blood test, and possibly prove your age and citizenship. Then you enter into a contract documented by the State. If you wish to break the contract you go to court and often with a lawyer not to a religious organization or a church or a god. Religions can and will continue to discriminate and deny people from being married in their religious structures but they still have to comply with the law. Those who wish to get married outside of those religious clubs should be able to do so. I have no interest in going into a Mormon Temple to witness their marriage ceremony and it is not their business who gets married outside of it. Why anyone or organization would spend so much time and money to deny rights and duties to others is quite amazing to me especially when this country claims to be the home of the brave and free where you can pursue your individual happiness. We have yet to meet the promise of freedom.
That’s fine when you say “ordained by God” however your false idea of “god” has no part in government, nor does it have anything to do with a CIVIL ceremony like a wedding. Any religious orginization should have every right to deny marriage to whoever they want, they are private orginizations but why on earth should they be able to deny a marriage though a government agency like city hall? This is one more reason why religion is dying as is should be.
lol! that is really funny
i LOVE in.n.out burger
i’m SO happy cali is the only place to get it ^_^
i love this state =] lol.
but i like ur writing style, it’s funny n reminds me of my friends =] lol.
and btw, i was reading some Yahoo story that said the record for biggest In.n.Out burger order was a 100×100….idk if the person actually ate it all, but i wonder how big/heavy that thing would be O_O
“He figured that would be a gastro-intestinal knock-out punch”. lol
Keep in mind the stomach is the size of your fist. Can’t believe i read the whole thing, but found this site through the marriage ban idea promoted on Yahoo news, at any rate, good luck – very funny.
bring the vote against divorce to texas, you would get way more signatures than needed..lol i agree with dr. frank.. marriage is not a religious agreement..just like schools & goverment god should be kept out of it.. it is a contract between 2 or more PEOPLE( male or female)you want it you pay your fees, you want out, you pay for that too..ITS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER ever heard of it..
Where do I sign the initiative? This gay gal wants to sign to ban divorce!
How can I purchase a couple of those ban divorce t-shirts? Thanks! Helena
I just want to say keep it up! This Ohioan thinks the Divorce Ban is hilarious and takes the “Sanctity of Marriage” to its natural conclusion. We can’t just make laws that are convenient to some people’s moral and ethical views. Let’s fulfill the promise of America as a free society.
Dear John,
I’m under the impression that this whole ban on divorce thing was a joke. I would be glad to spread the word, and I’d even purchase some shirts and keychains if I thought this were a serious attempt to make a huge statement. Unfortunately, there is all this publicity getting people like me here only to find a website where basically no infomation on this can be easily found. There is no info on how to join your facebook page, how to purchase items, how to sign the petition, or anything even remotely asking for help with this endeavor. I think the idea has so much potential. Do you knwo what a statement this could make if you actually get enough signatures? I live in MA, where we don’t have to worry about having to make such satyrical statements, but my facebook page connects to Californians and we in MA love to make statements with T-shirts …
@Crystal: On the homepage of the site is a link for FB.
Crystal, try this:
http://rescuemarriage.org/
Thanks!
This “Movement” sounds too good for one to be pulling its weight around the world. I’m for it and want to spread the influence across the Pacific region. I’m currently causing “Blog-aches” on Guam and willing to support your “No DIVORCE” campaign with attire and/or other forms of publicity. Let me in on what I can/may do. The public eye may take a second, or even a hundred, take on getting married just my the mere sight of your shirts on one’s back. Mail me and we’ll talk over the details and other forms of influence.- JackJack
Yep, cannot find the facebook page. The Yahoo article said they were over 11,000. I found one that had almost 1000.
Whats up?
I’m a catholic who was tainted by divorce as a child. My father married 3 times and divorced twice so far. We are waiting for his patience to wear thin. I really don’t believe in the “sanctity” of marriage for the simple reason that people just divorce if it doesn’t work out. Why get married? This is a great little debate to start. I would sign if I lived in CA.
I like Whataburger better. I went to San Diego for a week and had In n out burger. it was ok, but nothing to right home about.
I think CA should ban In N Out as well as gays, but leave divorce as a legal eagle. Without divorces the ugly and fat guys cant get those rebounding chicks. And without Divorces, your lawyers will have to sue the medical systems for mal-practice because so Obama lovin fool decides they need a few million dollars and dont want to work for it.
Maybe CA should be removed form the US all together. Can put all the Obama lovers, welfare recipients, and faggots into the state and make it illegal to come into the new United States.
But gays are just wrong! We are not anotomically correct to be man on man or woman on woman. Why would we want to be married to the same sex? We were made to procreate with a bit of fun recreation there as well. Can a woman give birth by another woman getting her pregnant? and vise versa to a man on man situation. The answer please… (drum roll) And the answer is “NO!”
Nice argument. Apparently you’re coming at this from an evolutionary perspective. I disagree with your conclusion, but love that you turn to Darwin to explain why you feel certain behaviors are more natural.
Where you lose me is with the idea that sexual gratification must be intended to produce offspring, and that that is the only reason we’ve evolved (or, as the religious nutjobs would say, were “designed”) to enjoy our sexuality. If that’s true, how come my arm is long enough to reach my crotch?
Your arm is long enough to reach so you can aim and hit the toilet. LOL. Dude, for real, men and women are like puzzle pieces meant to fit each other. It is not natural the other way. I do not believe in god. I do believe sexual stimulation is for procreation, but is so enjoyable we like to use it for recreation. My arm reaches my crothc to aim and to stroke
Well William it turns out that nature has you beaten there. Turns out homosexuality is rampant in nature as well as our manufactured society. We’ve seen gay sex occur naturally in penguin and rat colonies as well as many other species other than human. So far there’s no word whether the Mormon’s are going to start picketing the penguins at the zoo.
You sound like that fruit in the Kirk Cameron video that says that since a banana is shaped to fit the human hand, perforated for easy opening that this is proof of God. What he didn’t mention is that humans have specifically bred what we know to be banana’s to better suit the human market. They aren’t even fertile… can’t see how that’s natural.
Here’s the thing, if your religion disagrees with gay marriage that’s fine. I’m even fine with them banning gay marriages within their churches. No problem, a private organization has every right to set their own rules as far as I’m concerned. What I don’t understand is why a church, ANY church, feels it is under their right to ban other people of any race, gender or other discriminatory factor can have a LEGAL STATE SANCTIONED marriage? IS there no separation of church and state in the US these days?
William, you are allowed to have your crooked hateful views. I disagree completely with you and think you may be clinically retarded but still that is your right.
That gave me the good laugh I needed. Its On. I’m going to In-N-Out tomorrow to eat a 21×21!
What’s with all the gay shit? 20×20 is commendable indeed.