I read somewhere that Jim Davis doesn’t actually have much to do with Garfield anymore. There’s a factory of wannabe cartoonists churning out endless “I hate Mondays” jokes in a sweatshop somewhere in Indiana. I think those cartoonists probably cherish the end product with the same amount of pride that a 14-year-old Bangladeshi girl feels when she finishes her 1,000th pair of Nike Air Jordans. I wonder if Davis chains his workers to their desks?
The jokes in Garfield are beyond stale. The “art” is factory produced and devoid of any passion. They aren’t even trying.
Simply put, Garfield sucks. It is an abomination, a complete waste of ink and paper. It never makes me laugh. I don’t think it ever makes anyone laugh. If I ever walk up to you on the street and say “Man, did you read Garfield today? It sure was funny,” shoot me. If I tell you “Family Circus” was funny, shoot me twice. The alien would be in complete control by that point.
I vaguely recalled that Garfield was funny, once — long ago. There was an avalanche of Garfield watches, coffee mugs, notebooks and other assorted merchandise that flooded the market in the mid-eighties. There had to be something behind the hype, right? It all culminated in the stupid Garfield doll with suction cups on its paws that you could stick in the rear window of your car. I wonder how many people Garfield helped kill due to obstructed vision? I bet no one even kept track.
I did a little research last summer. I was at a used bookstore when I came upon a treasure-trove of old Garfield books. “Garfield Gains Weight.” “Garfield Sits Around The House” and the extremely aptly named “Garfield Wastes Space.” I thought to myself, “Aha! Here is my chance to read the original Garfield comics. The ones that started it all. The ones that were funny.
I was so young and so naive.
There are no funny Garfield books. It’s all a myth. Garfield has sucked from day one and will continue to suck for all eternity. Davis sold his soul to the devil to get where he is, and I fully expect him to rot in hell next to Freddy Prinze Jr. and maybe Celine Dion.
So imagine my delight when I stumbled across a discarded stuffed Garfield doll outside my friend Ed’s apartment last week. Unfortunately, his fur was lightly singed. Someone had tried to light Garfield on fire and failed.
They didn’t try hard enough.
I quickly learned why the previous attempts to kill Garfield were unsuccessful. Attempts were made to choke him as well as squash him, but much like my friend The Tick, Garfield proved “nigh-invulnerable.” Clearly, more drastic measures were called for.Now although my hatred for Garfield burns with the intensity of 1,000 white-hot suns, I didn’t want PETA complaining that I let the Satan-spawned feline suffer, so I decided to destroy his prefrontal lobes using a radical new procedure of my own devising.
Safety Tip
Always wear safety goggles when you are using small explosive devices to perform psychosurgery on a stuffed animal. Perhaps that goes without saying.
First, I made a small incision along the marsupial ridge with a medically sterile carving knife. (Well, I left it in the dishwasher for two cycles at any rate.) Using forceps and a clamp, I inserted a small explosive device behind the medulla oblongata then quickly sutured the incision back together using a staple gun I bought at a police auction this summer.
We lit the fuse.
BAM! Success! Not only did our highly illegal firecracker (thanks Aaron) destroy the frontal lobes, it pretty much destroyed the rear lobes, the side lobes and any other lobes it could find, too. Garfield was now free of all pain, and, as fate would have it, most other higher brain functions.
Now that Garfield was properly “sedated,” we moved on to phase two of the Garfield Project: Hot Time In The Kitty.
The previous owner had already attempted to burn Garfield. It didn’t work, and he gave up. We needed some help to overcome his flame retardant nature, and we found it in the form of a bottle of lamp oil we bought at our neighborhood Ace hardware store. Total cost: $3.49 + tax.
Safety Tip
Make sure your lamp oil is nice and fresh.
The firecracker left a hole in Garfield’s head that no amount of staples was going to repair, so I just dumped the lamp oil directly into his skull. I also splashed a bit on his ears and a little on his face because a) I planned on using an ear to light him up, and b) the red lamp oil looked disturbingly like blood soaked into Garfield’s fur — a little around the mouth made him fairly gruesome.
Now we were ready for the moment of truth. I carefully touched Garfield’s ear with a tongue of flame. It lit.
This is where our little kitty lobotomy really paid off. Look at how the smug, self-satisfied smirk never leaves the subject’s face, even as he is consumed by flame. There is almost something to admire there, like those Vietnamese Buddhist monks that immolate themselves. The only real difference I guess is that the monks choose to light themselves on fire to protest religious oppression, whereas Garfield was given a forced lobotomy, doused with lamp oil and lit on fire for my own personal amusement.
Speaking of my personal amusement, Garfield went up like a tiki torch from hell. After it looked like he was pretty much toast, Patti suggested that I pour the large bucket of water we had at the ready on the fiery remains of the lasagna-loving lard-butt, so we could check out the damage. Since it appeared that Garfield would happily burn all night, leaving a rather uninteresting black stain instead of a corpse, I agreed.
Here is the result. As you can see, around 90 percent of Garfield’s epidermis was burned away in the experiment, along with distinguishing features such as the eyes, ears and whiskers. The inner “cat meat” was alternately charred and exposed. The remaining pieces of skin hang loosely off the body only attached at points. It was quite disgusting.
I feel I can say with confidence that — baring some sort of unholy voodoo ceremony a la Child’s Play — Garfield is dead. The experiment was a complete success from both an artistic and a humanitarian point of view.
We then decided to drop the corpse in the Ace Hardware bag that the lamp oil came in because charred stuffed animals stink to high heaven. I thanked Garfield for his involuntary contributions to science then dumped him in the garbage in a private ceremony attended by a few friends and relatives. That ends the first badmouth science experiment.
Oh, wait! I forgot something!
As the flames roared higher, I noticed a man watching my experiment from a second-floor window in the house behind my apartment. I walked over to talk to him. He expressed some concern that I was going to “light his house on fire.” I listed my numerous safety precautions. I don’t think he bought it.
My new friend then asked why I was doing this. I explained I had a Web site and that I had found Garfield and thought lighting him on fire would be a hoot. (I didn’t want to get into a deep theological discussion as to why Garfield was the epitome of evil and hatred in the world.)
Then my neighbor said, and I quote, “So this is going to be a regular thing, then?” I told him no — but perhaps I was too hasty. Maybe every Saturday night could be sacrifice night. We could get more stuffed animals, more lamp oil ? maybe I could talk my friends into dressing up in weird robes and chanting. Praying that through some miracle of transubstantiation, our sacrifice in effigy would burn away the unholy blight that has infested the comics page.
Anyone got a “Cathy” doll?
Special thanks to photo girl Patti, who made this project possible.
Wow.. u guys r soo gay!!! there is nothing wrong with Garfield!! Garfield rokz!!! u guys shall all burn in hell!!!!! I curse your name!!! go suk your mama!!! and u all can kiss my natural white ass!!!!!!!!
hey I think that you have every right to BURN GARFIELD!! I hate him. It’s like he thinks he’s the funnyest thing that ever hit America! Whatever later dudes surfs up!!!
wow, the anti-garfield responses have generally been intelligent and well thought out while the pro garfield ones have been ” YOu suck morons go suck yourselfs unless you have nothing to suck! garfield will rock 4eva!” the reason that garfield is popular is because most people unfortunately are morons, saying how many books garfield has sold is meaningless, because its like saying Kenny G is a better saxophonist than Coltrane since hes sold 70 million albums. If you are someone who likes both Kenny G and Garfield you should kill yourself or at least castrate yourself or your partner to ensure that the future of the world is at least marginally less stupid. The fact is the only original progressive newspaper strip out there is “Pearls before swine” and the rest are complete hackwork. Try watching Family guy and saying that theres anything in the comics pages that compares to its level of humour theres absolutely nothing which stands up which in my opinion is pretty sad
hey its me again f-er’s. go jack off. GARFIELD WILL ROCK 4EVER!!! MWHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
ok ok Im gonna be nice this time around…Ill try anyways. So whats the big deal about garfield anyways. I mean really why do you hate him? Just to be “cool”? cause if you do NEWS FLASH…YOUR NOT!!!!
thnaks will be checking in always so if someone wants to FIGHT with my garfieldness!! LATER
hehe
YOU SUCK!! If you think that garfiled sucks so much maybe you should go suck yourself and get happy… on the other hand maybe you dont have anything to suck!! lol thats a funny picture. Anyways keep your smartass possest ideas to yourself. Thanks
the people supporting garfield are the same douchebags responsible for the success of prop comics and improv comedy.
****quote****
Berkely Breathed (sp?) freely speaks about Jim Davis farming out his Garfield work. I think you can do a search on the Onion’s website for the complete interview where he essentially says Jim Davis ain’t sh*t!
****endquote****
Breathed isn’t the only one. In 1986 (I believe that’s when it was done, anyway), Bill Watterson granted a rare interview (though Calvin & Hobbes was only 1 year old at the time, so it was probably nothing special then) in which the interviewer asks him what he thinks of Jim Davis.
Needless to say, Watterson’s response is hilarious, even at a time BEFORE he’d been embittered by the syndicates.
You can read the interview here:
http://home3.inet.tele.dk/stadil/interw.htm
Die Garfield-lovers! It’s because of you humourless twits that the rest of us has to suffer mediocre comics. Oh and hunger, disease and global warming are your fault too. And war, you cause war. I’m not sure about the Ebola virus, but considering what we know about you so far… probably your fault, somehow.
How many beers did you guys have to drink to come up with such creative ways to burn a stuffed animal???? Do you really think Jim Davis gives a shit about your Garfield burning ceremony??? It’s so sad to see $14.95 plus tax of your friends hard earned money burn in flames.
This site is AWESOME!!! I think Garfield is an abomination, and is surviving solely by the support of people devoid of intellect.
http://www.paulfirlotte.com
You guys should really talk sometime. You damn near rival him for warped-ness lol
Cheers!
I’m actually from the same area as Jim Davis and live about 20 minutes away from the Paws, Inc. uhh, compound. I have met a few employees, who seem happy, but it’s slightly annoying living in a city inundated with twice as much Garfield crap per capita as any other place in the world (I don’t know how they can possibly stand it). Every ten feet you see some kind of Garfield paraphernelia, and it is sold at virtually every store, not to mention various frightening Garfield-themed foods all over town. Rumor has it the smothering presence of Garfield & Friends in Muncie, Indiana and the surrounding areas drove Davis’s son, who went to the high school across town from mine, into a serious battle with drugs and alcohol. Good to know, huh? True story!
I love GARFIELD!!!
Garfield Rocks
This Burning ritual has brought a smile to my face. Very well done! You should do another one soon!
because the fact that Garfield along with other inane strips are all we have to choose from in most newspapers while excellent strips like pearls before swine get low circulation is a travesty and should be a subject of more passion and debate than anything regarding the democratic primaries
A person who thinks that Garfield is not funny only deserves to die.
just a short comment to you… if garfield sucks sooo much why even waste your time dribbling for as long as you did and btw if that is your pic then your sideburns are more outdated than any cartoon
Garfield is terrible, there are pretty much 5 basic jokes that davis unoriginally does variations on each week hes pretty much coasting if you read calvin and hobbes and then read garfield the paradigm shift from amzing to soulless is quite shocking,
there are really no good strips anymore it seems that all we have today is pale shadows of former strips, instead of Far side we have total dreck like “close to home” and “Reality check” instead of calvin we get the bucketts
there are some good strips out there like “pearls before swine” “monty” and “zits” but they are few and far between, most newspaper comic sections are full of dreck like ziggy andy capp hi and lois and other irrelevant strips from 40 years ago that are being written by teams of 5 people with the original artist being long dead or taking breaks from golf to sign his name on it, they even still write Beinging up father for gods sake,
there are no new insights into life or humour coming from these strips, the comics pages are a chore its liking eating a box of chocolates and biting into 10 of those weird orange mintcream ones before getting one that you sort of like in most cases the originals are far better, what we need is to have some “cartoonist reunion” with Mort Walker Jim davis, jerry hart, etc. put them into a tourbus and have the driver drive the bus off a cliff and then maybe thered be room for new ideas in the comics industry