Editor’s note: If you have not read the previous adventures of moshood and me, please take time to do so now. I’m not guaranteeing this will make any sense, otherwise.
We have reached the time of year when we are supposed to take stock and recognize what we are thankful for. After much introspection, I came to the conclusion that I am thankful to have a friend like Moshood, that I can count on to cheer me up.
I am a poor friend indeed. Moshood has written me twice in the past month, enquiring on the status of our business dealings, and I have not responded at all!
I leapt into action and looked over his last few missives. Since I still have not recieved a family photo of my buddy Moshood, I found some images on the Internet that help me create a mental picture of his appearance.
Date: Sat, 9 Nov 2002 11:29:56 +0000 (GMT)
From: “moshood abacha”
Subject: waiting to hear from you!!!
To: “John Q. Public”
Dear John,
What is going on?
That’s what I like about Moshood. direct and to the point. I decided to catch him up on recent events.
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 2002 09:15:38 (PDT)
From: “John Q. Public”
Subject: Re: waiting to hear from you!!!
To: “moshood abacha”
My dear Moshood,
I hope things are well for you? I apologize for my lack of communication, but Pepe and I only recently returned from Nicaragua. I am eager to begin our transaction, although I must admit that I am not sure how to proceed next. I realize time is of the essence, and yet I feel powerless to act. Please instruct me on what we shall do next.
Did your mother, Her Excellency, enjoy the recipe I sent for Peanut Butter Balls? They are a family favorite. I made a large batch yesterday to celebrate the American holiday of Thanksgiving and passed them out to all my friends and coworkers. In fact, Pepe is sucking on one of my balls as we speak.
I hope you and your esteemed family are well? I recently read that more than 200 Nigerians had died in rioting over the Miss World contest. That nearly matches the number left dead after Kathie Lee’s last Christmas special (ha, ha!)
Speaking of Kathie Lee, she is still interested in pursuing a business relationship, but she is concerned that you have not responded to her request for a family photo. Please send one at your earliest convenience, as I am sure I can coax her into aiding our cause.
The chinchilla hunt was a bust, the few thousand we trapped, skinned and butchered are nowhere near enough to satisfy the demand for Kathie Lee’s feminine hygiene products, so we were forced to abandon the project. The one bright note was that we trapped an extremely rare, endangered “chinchilla of paradise,” noted for its supple skin and vibrant plumage. We tanned the hide, and we are in the process of crafting it into a dazzling pair of French-cut hot pants. I hope to present them as an early Christmas present for Kathie Lee.
May God protect you in your endeavors,
John Isling
Chief Purchaser
Kathie Lee Gifford Enterprises, Inc.
I was pretty happy with that response, but then I read Moshood’s earlier message.
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2002 09:46:55 +0000 (GMT)
From: “moshood abacha”
Subject: waiting to hear from you!!!
To: “John Q. Public”
Dear John,
Top of the day to you,thank you for all your
explanation,I understand very well that you are going
to help me complete this transaction.Sorry for the
late response,I have been trying to find help else
where when I did not hear from you,But I am very happy
you are back on the scene.I will be sending you a
Photo of my Family as soon as possible.But First I
need a phone number on which I can reach you
immedaitely.
All I need is for you to tell me were you want to
recieve the funds,it is possible for a Bank transfer
or It could be deliver to you in your house or company
address,please send me your address where you want the
Boxes Delivered.You can call me any time on my mobile
phone number -234-80-23040441,I will be waiting for
your urgent response,Thank you for all your help my
friend.
Your Friend,
Moshood Abacha.
I realized that I may be jeopardizing my position as Moshood’s “go to guy” in the U.S. Moshood has repeatedly asked for a phone or fax number where I could be reached, and I have never responded. I leapt into action.
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 2002 10:08:12 (PDT)
From: “John Q. Public”
Subject: Re: waiting to hear from you!!!
To: “moshood abacha”
Moshood,
I missed your earlier message among the many that I received while I was out of the country. I am exceptionally busy during the day, and Kathie Lee has been known to subject people receiving private phone calls on company time to her rendition of “They Call The Wind Maria” from “Paint Your Wagon.”
No one wants that.
Here is a fax number you may use to contact me: (916) xxx-xxxx. I prefer to see some more documentation on the deal before I risk Kathie Lee’s sing..I mean “wrath.”
Let me know via e-mail when you have sent a fax, and I shall send Pepe down to the mail room to pick it up.
The address to ship the boxes to is:
Kathie Lee Gifford (John Isling)
c/o On The Lamb Records
P.O. Box 275
Cos Cob, CT 06807
Yours,
John Isling
Chief Purchaser
Kathie Lee Gifford Enterprises
Normally, I am more than willing to share my phone number with the offspring of illegitimately elected, bloodthirsty despots–just ask Jenna Bush! But in this case I thought it was wise to hold off giving out the digits because–for reasons I cannot explain right now–the Belgian government has tapped my phones. So I gave him a fax number for the local office superstore, and the P.O. Box of Kathie Lee’s record company. Now the deal can proceed.
Hopefully my friendly banter and interest in his family will put my request to handle Moshood’s millions far ahead of the other candidates. As always, I will keep you posted.
God Bless.
moshood and me
moshood 2: electric bugaloo
move over moshood
moshood arrested?
moshood: the return
a very moshood thanksgiving
moshood the magnificent
I was so lucky to recieve many offers such as this…….one of them told me that they got my name through the Nigerian Chamber of Commerce….this was very strange as I haven’t been registered with them since….hmmmmm…since like never……but the promise of close to 18 million dollars for all the offers was too much not to go for….so I went to Nigeria, some place in Peru and Fort Dick, Kentucky and now I can proudly say, I got 18 million dollars sitting in a bank somewhere in North Dakota……….
Chinchilla french-cut hot pants on Cathy Lee, eh? Now that’s an image I didn’t need burned into my brain.
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